4 Game-Changing Tips for Conversations
4 Game-Changing Tips for Conversations
Starting a conversation with a stranger- does anything make you sweat more? Many of us feel like we're terrible at talking to new people, which is why we often avoid new experiences. It might seem like some folks were born with the gift of gab, but that's not true. Conversation is a skill, and like any skill, you can get better at it with practice over time.
How to Make Friends as an Adult
In an earlier blog post, "How to Make Friends as an Adult,” I shared where to go to meet potential friends. Plus, I dropped a crucial nugget: show up at the same place at the same time. We make friends by seeing the same person on a daily or weekly basis. This routine will lead you to become more comfortable with that person, hopefully leading to stronger connections through shared interests and experiences. These connections and experiences are where friendships start.
Now that you’ve showed up and seen someone on a regular basis, you’re hit with a new dilemma: WHAT DO I SAY? Deep breath and pause – totally normal. Start with a friendly hello and introduce yourself. Next, keep reading for some practical tips on making conversations that'll ease your journey to making new friends.
How to Start a Conversation
No matter where you find yourself or who you're with – whether it's a date, hanging out with friends, or the dreaded networking events – focus on Contextual Conversation Starters. These starters rely on the simple strategy of using your surroundings for inspiration. No need for robotic memorization; it keeps things feeling natural for both parties and encourages a smoother conversational flow. Just look around and think, "Who, What, Where?"
Who: Take notice of the people around you. Spot all the different faces in the room and use conversation starters like, "How do you know [the host]?" or "What did you think of the speaker?"
What: Figure out the reason behind the event and why people have gathered. Use conversation starters such as, "This is my first time at [this event]. How about you?" or "I’m really excited about this [topic]. How did you get interested?"
Where: Consider your location and the setting. Use conversation starters like, "I love this [restaurant]. What’s your favorite thing to eat here?" or "This is such a cool venue. Have you been here before?"
Here are some examples tailored to specific locations I suggested in my earlier post.
Example: Starting conversations at a new Dungeons & Dragons game
Who: "Do you know any of the other players?"
What: "Is this your first time playing D&D?"
Where: "I’ve never been here before. This is a cool board game store."
Example: Starting conversations volunteering at a food bank
Who: "This is my first time volunteering. Do you know any of the other volunteers?"
What: "What made you interested in volunteering here?"
Where: "I had such a hard time finding parking. How did you get here?"
Example: Starting conversations in a New Mom’s Group
Who: “Have you met any of the other mothers?”
What: “What’s your baby’s favorite activity here?”
Where: “Have you been to any other baby classes here?”
How to Navigate Awkward Pauses
Now, let's dive into the art of handling those tricky awkward pauses. Mastering this skill is something you can absolutely learn. It's crucial to recognize that awkward pauses are always shorter than they seem. Even if it feels like you've been silent for what seems like hours, it's likely only been about 10 seconds.
Key strategies to keep the conversation flowing:
Active Listening and Follow-Up Questions: Listen attentively to what the other person is saying and ask follow-up questions. Most people enjoy discussing themselves, and when you show genuine interest, they're likely to keep the conversation rolling.
Prep a Few Conversation Starters: Always have a couple of topics in your back pocket – preferably ones that genuinely interest you, such as recent events, hobbies, or some intriguing curiosity questions.
Time-Sensitive Queries: Tailor your questions based on the timing. If it's early in the week, ask about their weekend. If it's later in the week, ask about their plans for the upcoming weekend.
Reference Earlier Points: Bring up something from earlier in the conversation. People like when they see you’re paying attention. “When we were talking earlier about [topic], I forgot to ask…”
How to End a Conversation
Congratulations! You've reached the end of the conversation. Now, the question is: how do you gracefully end it? Here's a smooth exit strategy:
Signal Your Departure: Move like you're getting ready to leave. Turn slightly away, glance towards the door, or begin gathering your stuff. These visual cues effectively signal the end of the conversation.
Summarize the Discussion: Recap what you've talked about. Make a comment about something mentioned earlier, like "It was great hearing about [topic]" or "I'll definitely check out that [place/thing] you recommended."
Plan for the Future: If you'd like to build on the friendship, make a plan for next time. Express your enjoyment of the conversation and suggest meeting up again, saying something like, "I really enjoyed talking to you. Would you like to meet [time and place]?"
Polite Excuse: If you don't want to meet again, politely excuse yourself. For instance, "I need to head out, but it's been nice talking to you."
How to Remember Names and Faces
My last tip involves the use of “Friend Files,” which was adapted from Michelle Garcia-Winner. While initially designed for a younger audience, I find it just as useful for adults. When you meet someone you'd like to remember and connect with, grab your phone's notes app and jot down their name, along with any details you learned about them, such as interests, family, or work. Remembering specifics about many people can be challenging over time. So, the next time you see them, a quick review of your "Friend File" can refresh your memory and guide your conversation.
Important Tips from a Therapist on Starting Conversations to Make New Friends
Remember, not every conversation is going to take off. Maybe the conversation goes on for a few minutes, maybe not. The key is to shift your focus away from the outcome and celebrate the fact that you took the initiative. Making an effort to start a conversation is a victory in itself, regardless of its length or depth. With each attempt, you're enhancing your conversational skills and moving towards what’s important to you: making new friends.
If you're navigating the challenges of making new friends as an adult, know that I’m here to support you. Feel free to reach out!
Online Therapy Services Offered at Empathic Counseling Services in Evanston, Chicago, and Beyond
Get to know Ivy Ellis, LCSW PMH-C, a licensed mental health therapist dedicated to helping overthinkers and overwhelmed adults. Ivy’s niche specialties include supporting Autistic/ND adults, anxious adults, and pregnant and postpartum women. Ivy, at Empathic Counseling Center in Evanston, Chicago, and beyond, offers online therapy for adults in Illinois, Minnesota, Washington, Indiana, and Michigan.
Here are some additional resources that also inspired some of these tips: